


Thoughts of a Seahorse

by GreyRainbows



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 20:11:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7859524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreyRainbows/pseuds/GreyRainbows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>JaiWal23 sorry it took me so long to write this</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I have never felt the way I felt about anyone else the way that I feel about Bea. In my life I have made plenty of mistakes and dealt with the wrong time of people yet something about her pulls me to her. She insecure smile. Her silent nods. Her fierce eyes that also held so much sadness. She is nothing that I expected her to be. The famous Bea Smith, the TOP DOG. The woman that stood as the poster child for The Red Right Hand, was nothing more than a woman serving her time the best way she knew how._

_In the time I spent with her I found myself longing for the sound of her laughter. When was the last time her smile actually lit up her face? When was the last time she allowed herself to be completely free? When everyone in the prison demanded so much from her I found myself asking WHO was the last person that GAVE to her? At that thought a jealous pang flared in my chest and I fought to tamper my own emotions. She didn't know me...not yet._

_Soon, sooner than I expected really, the time came where I saw her returning my stares and smirking back at me. I took it as a sign that she had noticed me as more than just another girl in Kaz's crew and desperately tried to hide my excitement from the others around me. Kaz, for all her talk of equality was not the most forgiving of those that she felt had wronged her. And this, a relationship, even platonic with Bea Smith would feel like the ultimate betrayal and still I couldn't help it. I couldn't stop myself from searching the lunch room to find her. I couldn't stop my smile when she spoke with me. i constantly made excuses to place myself in her presence._

_Maxine knew. Hell, I figured Maxine had known for a while but she never spoke about it. She kept her thoughts to herself. Out of loyalty to Bea or a hint of acceptance towards me I never knew but I silently thanked her anyway. I wonder if Bea told her? What was the reasoning she had given to her crew for her disappearing act. For the time she was with me? Not that I minded being a secret...hell all I wanted was Bea to myself anyway. She made me feel alive again. Like I was sneaking around in high school when she would come see me and we'd make out in the closet. I didn't want to push her, but my body screamed for contact. The feel of her body on mine. Her hands roaming over me. The taste of her lips. I settled for simply sitting next to her, absorbing her essence._

_If ever I felt a part of myself die, it was when I saw Bea face down in the sink. Unmoving. Unresponsive. If I could, I would have given her all the air in my chest just to see, to feel her chest move in response. I pumped and I breathed into her body, ignoring the panic surrounding me. She had to breath. I looked up to see officer Jackson racing it. That was the only time I would have WILLINGLY allowed him to touch her. She was MINE. Officer Jackson pleaded with Bea while I cried and Ferguson was escorted out of the room. It seemed like an eternity until they brought the stretcher in and hoisted Bea on top of it wheeling her away with the faintest of pulses._

_I cried until my eyelashes hurt. I screamed until it felt as though my throat was burning. I trashed my room and locked myself in. Bea was my rock and my comfort so to have her taken away without any news was crushing me. I've never suffered from panic attacks and somehow the shadow of a boulder was pressing down on my chest. And when I finally saw Bea again they wouldn't even let me talk to her. I knew she saw me yelling from behind the glass but she wouldn't answer me. She retreated under the blanket blocking me and the rest of the world out._

_I knew Boomer loved Bea. Hell they all did so I took no offense to her threats when I went to see her after she was released from the hospital. Only when she looked at me as if I were nothing more than a stranger, told me I was a junkie whore did I feel myself break. I had been holding on to so much in the hopes of her recovery. I broke without any hesitation and once again sought out the ONLY girl who had ever loved me. She was soft and gentle. She held me in my sleep and played with me during the day. She'd be the death of me and I'd welcome her with open arms. What else was I going to do in her for the next 12 years?_

_Something changed and my world found it's sun again. Bea found me. It was hard, nasty to watch even but I let go of the gear. Bea let go of being top dog. We were just Allie and Bea together. I showed her over and over again with my hands, my tongue, my body just how much I loved her. I held on to her as she let go of her insecurities and breathed out my name. We cuddled, I spent most of my time listening to her breathe. I watched her eyes flutter behind her lids, face softened without the scowl she constantly wore while dealing with prison politics. I should have stayed in that bed. Warm under her. I should have allowed myself the peace of being alone and secluded with Bea._

_I heard her on the phone telling me that it was okay to let go. That I should wait for her. What she didn't know was that I was fighting to come back to her and hoping that SHE'D wait for ME...._


	2. A Seahorses Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JaiWal23 sorry it took me so long to write this

_Tired didn't begin to explain how I felt. Since the day I was placed behind this ghostly walls I had fought. Fighting had become a way of life to me when before I hadn't even taken a fitness class. But I watched, and I learned. I saw the amount of time Franky put into her work out as Jacs nemesis and as top dog, and decided that I needed to spend twice as much time to protect myself while fighting Franky and after becoming "top dog". I remembered days were my shoulder burned, my ab muscles clenched and my legs were weak. Despite this I had grown strong. This strength allowed me to fight even when everyone else believed there was no reason to continue fighting. And yet...I was exhausted. Or maybe it was the time away from Wentworth Correctional Facility that showed me just how slow my eternity in prison was_  supposed _to be_. _Without the burden of being "top dog" I would grow old, I would fall asleep and I would die. As top dog...I would be_ **killed.**

 _I so desperately wanted to give it up. I wanted to laugh with Boomer, Maxine, Liz and Dors. I wanted the freedom that Franky had. I was alone. It was ironic, I'll admit considering the number of women backing me. Yet, they weren't really backing_ **ME** ,  _they were backing their leader. They were doing what they taught was right. All of them except one particular group. Kaz Proctor and The Red Right Hand. Originally I hadn't given them much thought...just a group of misfits that were out to make noise. Suddenly before I knew it Kaz was splitting the women into several different groups and disturbing the cohesion of_ **MY**   _prison. The times I deemed necessary a simple look or word from me brought them back down to size. Kaz was ambitious but not naive. She knew when and how to pick her fights...test me. Her faint smirk taunting as she'd walked away, backing down, her goons followed behind aimlessly, zombies the whole lot...except for one._

_A dirty blonde haired girl named **Allie Novak**. Maybe it was just a look. A smile, but Maxine had caught it and brought it to my attention; the young girl who seemed closest to Kaz also seemed to enjoy my company. It was as though I fascinated her. From that moment in the shower I knew Allie was different. Just not in the way I expected. She seemed...distant from the prison politics. Whenever she could sneak away from Kaz she could be found socializing with other inmates from other crews. I watched her. When was didn't notice...I watched her. Her smiles were genuine. I found myself grinning inwardly at her brazen behavior towards me. She acted as though she _ **knew** _I was beginning to become fond of her. A part of me was happy to have someone. Someone that was my own though the rational side of my brain told me to avoid this at all costs. Perhaps just being her friend would be enough. She would be safe from both the Freak and Kaz even if we couldn't be seen together. I would have her in those quiet in between moments and that would be enough._

_Or so I thought until she kissed me. She kissed me the same way she did everything else...with_ **confidence**.  _I could have lied to her. I could have lied to myself. I_ **should** _have lied to myself. I simply didn't have the energy to lie anymore. If I'm honest now...it wasn't that I couldn't lie I didn't want to lie anymore. However in opening up that door I had to answer several questions myself. What did this mean? What did it mean for my sexuality first of all. Harry was my first and my only. Not that I had particularly cared for the sex but I had always attributed that side of me to not truly loving Harry. After getting pregnant with Debbie the budding relationship I had in high school slowly died and was transformed to the hell I lived for the next sixteen years. Harry believed, I'm certain from his mother, that by me getting pregnant with Debbie I had tried to try him. I often wondered if he resented us. Sex afterwards became less of an exchange of passions between us and more of a way to calm him, persuade him. Secondly, what did this mean for her time here? I was here for the rest of my life but Allie only had 12 years on her sentence._

_Certainly, the tension would be high between her crew and myself. I knew that Boomer and Maxine would definitely protect me, but with Maxine in her current situation I wouldn't dream of asking her. I figured that Boomer would want to look after the other girl. I wouldn't call her away unless absolutely necessary. Lastly how would I have a relationship in here? The last time I loved someone...they ended up dead. Before I went any further I talked to Bridget. Shortly after that I committed myself to Allie. It wasn't long until my fears were confirmed._

_The situation between Kaz and I exploded between Allie and myself. Despite the time we shared together she still believed that I_ **could** _be responsible for their arrest. My fantasy was shattered. The serenity of our time together crushed. I pulled away from the warmth of her body, her seeking lips and shook my head free of the clouded daze she created around me. How could I be with someone who didn't trust me? I tossed and turned in my sleep that night trying to decide if I would return to see Allie again. I saw her flash of teeth in my dreams. Felt her breath on my neck as the cold wind caused a shiver from me. I woke up the next morning determined to see her. The routine went as usual with me trying my best to avoid her and Allie sneaking glances while Kaz wasn't looking. I snuck in the closet and waited for Allie to appear. When the door opened and Ferguson snaked through I quickly realized that she had been watching us. A part of me was happy that Allie wasn't around so she couldn't target her too. I verbally sparred with her for as long as my body was able before darkness made my eyes heavy and limbs useless._

_I awoke sometime later in the hospital and allowed my "friends" to fill me in. Apparently the Freak attempted to drown me before Mr. Jackson successfully revived me. I spent the next few days mopping around the hospital until I got a visit from Allie. I felt a range of emotions that ranged from happy to sad and all between confused and angry. I covered myself with the blankets because I didn't want her to see me like this. Weak. I had always been strong. When they finally released me I went back to my unit and closed myself in my room. I heard the commotion outside, my chest leaping the moment I identified Allie's voice. I opened the door to see her struggling against Boomer. Walking up to her I confronted her with the information Kaz had provided me with. Her face broke and I couldn't tell if it was because Kaz was lying or if Allie was surprised that Kaz had told me. I was mean to her. Mean in order to end if not only for her but for myself as well. I needed to end it for me. If I ended it she couldn't hurt me._

_Turns out I wasn't as invincible as I thought. When I saw Allie under the influence of heroin I almost lost it. I reached for her before I knew it. Kaz wasn't far behind me. Apparently we had the same weak spot. Still I left Allie to Kaz. Though I wanted to help too much had transpired between us, I wouldn't know how to start to her; but I could stop her supply. If ever I meant a threat Cindy Lou knew I meant this one. She was not to sell to Allie nor come anywhere near her. That was all I could do for the blonde without seeming weak. I retreated to my quarters content that my message was clear. Unfortunately it wasn't. Maxine rushed in to tell me about Juice and her gang cornering Allie in the shower block. I didn't know what new crimes she'd committed but I knew Juice and her "boys" never handled anything gently. Sure enough Juice was posturing threatening with the rape again. I saved her, as much for her as for myself. I couldn't live with myself knowing she'd been violated...touched by anyone in this prison but me. She called out to me and it took every fiber of my being to resist her. I walked out of the bathroom shaking my head and sucking in large gasps of air to clear the lump in my throat._

_The run-in in the hallway was the last straw. I helped her, and saved her and still she found a way to get high. What more could I do? I harden myself against her an ongoing battle every time I saw her and attempted to walk past. She grabbed me and although I had made up my mind to be finished with her I felt that flame of desire, of longing the connection we had race through me. It hit me so hard and fast that I had to grit my teeth to prevent the involuntary breath rushing from my lungs. Allie looked almost broke to me when she whispered how she never gave up on me. I was going to end this...once and for all. I found Mr. Jackson and confronted him about Allie's accusations. I knew she was telling the truth the moment he refused to meet my eyes._

_What had I done? I'd pushed her away. I'd shamed her. I'd abandoned her. Kaz was right, Franky was right...everything I touched... I turned and headed for the governor's office. If Ms. Bennett wanted a cooperative top dog she'd have to fill some favors first. I agreed to keep her in the know about any potential drugs coming into the prison so long as she accommodated me by switching Allie into my unit. I walked with the other guards as they went to find the blonde. I gnashed my teeth together balling my fist to keep from pouncing on Proctor. Nodding stiffly at Allie to acknowledge I saw her looking at me but did not speak. What I had to say wasn't for her ears. Allie followed me down to my unit and I started rebuilding our bridge._

_It was a nasty experience...getting the young girl off the gear but it had to be done. And it had to be done cold turkey. For obvious reasons we couldn't alert authorities that she needed help. They'd put her in lock up and add more years to her sentence deeming her a drug user. I was with her. I was with her as she tore at her clothes. I was with her when she barely made it to the toilet heaving so heavily that bile burned her throat. As she snatched at her clothes her body feeling the biological effects of the drug causing her temperature to rise. She cried and I held her. When she finally slept I curled up next to her feeling her chest rise and fall with slumber. Finally_ **I** _decided to come out about our relationship. It was the only way I knew to protect her._

_I knew working with Bennet would back fire on me. I stood there as all the women in the yard waited for my answer. I admitted that I was indeed the lagger. I felt Allie's eyes burning on me from behind. I was going to have to explain this later. To my surprise Allie took it better than the other women. Her lips tasted of forgiveness. I pulled her against me, her arms wrapping around my body. Somehow we found our way to the bed with Allie on top of me. I allowed her to take control...she touched me as if I were a virgin._

_I was the anxious one, trying desperately trying to feel her. She pulled away whispering for me to relax. I tried to calm my nerves. She caressed my breasts softly. Kissing lovingly on my pulse and nipping at it playfully when she felt me inhale. Her hand traveled down from my chest to my stomach and let it rest there for a moment. She looked me in my eyes grinning at me. God I loved this girl. The next thing I knew Allie had begun playing with the band on my panties. I wiggled hoping to make contact where I most needed her. The sly devil. For all my efforts Allie kept playing at the waistband until I huffed in resignation. Without warning her hand slid inside my underwear. I heard her calling my name, confirming that I was still with her. And I was until I experienced my first orgasm. I couldn't have come back from the stars if my life depended on it. I feel asleep next to her, her warmth crowding my bed._

_I awoke to my nightmare. Allie was gone and when I found her in the shower block she had OD'd. I wanted the screws to take me seriously when I told them Allie didn't do this to herself. She promised me she wouldn't take another drug. I was like a caged tiger, prowling and snarling at anyone in my vicinity seeking out the guilty party. I attacked Kaz under the delusion that she had something to do with Allie's overdose yet the older woman seemed just as hurt as I was. Ferguson caught me alone and her snide remark about casualties ignited me. She was responsible for the attack on Allie and she would pay in full for her transgressions but first, my concern was Allie._

_The moment Maxine told me she was in a coma and things weren't looking good I felt I had lost it all. I lost Debbie, Harry even though I hadn't cared for him...he was still apart of me and now Allie. She wouldn't escape this. Not without a fight. Even if that meant sacrificing myself. I'd see Allie soon enough._


End file.
